Strength is quiet and kind

A few years ago, when I started dating my wife Daria, I noticed a poster hanging in her room. Six words, surrounding an illustration of flowers that read, “There is Strength in Your Softness”. The poster sparked a conversation about how we perceive strength in our own lives, and where it was rooted in our personal philosophy. We also discussed the common misrepresentations of strength, and why there seemed to be more and more confusion surrounding the subject. 

I want to quickly define two variations of the word “Strength”. Let’s call it Type I and Type II. Type I, we can specify as the quality or state of being strong. This can apply to people, art, music, and beyond, all we need to know is that there is an element of potency, exertion, or force behind the object or substance. Think that guy deadlifting 1000 pounds at the gym, or Beethoven’s symphonies, which were so profound they shifted the entire direction of classical music. Type II is defined as the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure, dealing more with the ideas of resilience, endurance, control, and adaptability. Maybe a dog who still wants to walk around the block at age 14, even if they used to run for miles, or the mom working two jobs to provide for her family, who still makes an effort to volunteer. While both definitions work alongside one another, I think the distinction is important to understand, and can have an overall impact on the lens in which you view both yourself and others.

With that in mind, we can look to a world where Type I strength is often held in very high regard. We idolize the teams and athletes that win championships, we want to model ourselves after the most successful business men and women, and we flock to those under our social or political umbrella who often have the loudest voice. And it makes sense was to why we do this, those athletes, businesses, ideas exude strength. It can be genuine or projected, but we are far enough removed that we don’t see it that way. We see achievement, volume, outcome, and we give it our attention. 

If you ask anyone who the greatest athlete of all time is, they are most likely going to tell you a name based off of statistical achievement or overall influence, which makes sense. Type I strength should absolutely be recognized and celebrated. Doing hard things is the basis of physical, mental, and emotional strength, and I don’t want to diminish that. But what about beyond the record boards? We are conditioned to revere results, wins, and championships because it’s tangible, it means an individual or team was better than the rest, and it is a straightforward way to measure success. There’s a reason that Michael Jordan, Serena Williams, and Lionel Messi are going to be in a vast majority of top 10’s, but we don’t hear much about someone like Sadio Mané, a soccer player from Senegal who has donated millions of dollars over the last five years to his hometown of Bambali, which has been used to build a school, a hospital, a post office, several gas stations, and full internet access for the town. Not to mention the work he does with Right To Play, which provides opportunity and empowerment for women and girls in Senegal, and the money he gave to the government to promote Covid-19 research. And while Mané continues to play at some of the highest levels of soccer, his strength is rooted in kindness and its impact has been far greater and longer lasting than any achievement on the pitch.

Being kind and compassionate in the pursuit of personal goals, or in the face of opposition has historically been seen as something of a weakness. If you’ve been around long enough, you’ve probably come across the business owner, the artist, or the athlete that has done incredible things. Their feats of mental and physical resilience are unmatched, they carry themselves with honor, they are the most inspirational people to be around…until they hit traffic and start throwing middle fingers out like Oprah, or their meal is cold and they absolutely tear the waiter apart. The same can be said for individuals who may have an incredible sense of depth, adaptability, and intention, they treat everyone with immense kindness, but may have a lot of difficulty standing up for what they believe in, give up on a project at the first sign of resistance, or blanket things in positivity as a way to avoid internal or external confrontation. On a small scale, we deal with these things personally every day, and understanding our relationship to both compassion and Type I/Type II strength is vital for self-discovery and growth. 

There are many people throughout history that exemplify this unwavering balance of kindness and strength (both Type I and Type II). One of my own influences is Thich Nhat Hanh, a prolific Zen Master, poet, scholar, and peace activist. He was born during 1926, in Central Vietnam. Against his parents wishes, he entered the Tu Hieu Temple as a novice at the age of 16 and was fully ordained as a monk seven years later in 1949. He left his buddhist academy after it refused to teach modern subjects, and started studying science at Saigon University. In the early 1960s, after spending several years teaching Buddhism at Columbia and Princeton, Thich Nhat Hanh returned home and founded the "School of Youth for Social Services" in Saigon. This was a grassroots relief organization that rebuilt bombed villages, set up schools and medical centers, and resettled homeless families during the Vietnam War (also called the American War if you are from Vietnam). During this time, Nhat Hanh started the "Engaged Buddhism" movement, which combined traditional Zen teachings with social awareness, and became a strong advocate for peace during the Vietnam War. In 1966, as the war escalated, he left Vietnam to tour 19 countries in a call for peace. He addressed governments, parliaments, wrote letters to political and social leaders like Martin Luther King Jr. promoting non-violence, and even met with Pope Paul VI. His peace efforts did not find favor with the governments of South Vietnam, North Vietnam, and the United States as any form of pacifism was considered collaboration with the communist side, and any form of aid to the south or it’s allies opposed the communist party. In 1966, he was banned from returning to Vietnam, exiled from the country he had given so much back to.

Although he was met with resistance and opposition from every angle, Thich Nhat Hanh proved that being kind doesn’t mean being passive. He consistently stood up for what he believed in and tried to make a difference in the world, not for reverie or accolades, but because it was right. Throughout his life, through poems, books, and in practice, he continued to explore the idea that mindfulness, presence, and peace allow your highest qualities, such as kindness and compassion to emerge. His message was strong, and his ability to stand behind that message was stronger. 

Kindness needs empathy and understanding, which require one to fully embrace their own emotions and those of others. It often means continuing to treat others well even when it's not reciprocated, or when facing adversity. Kindness can inspire others, the ability to influence and lead through compassion is powerful and can create positive change. It takes courage to extend kindness to those who may not naturally elicit it, or when it goes against societal norms and expectations. Kind individuals understand that immediate reactions and short-term gains are less important than fostering lasting relationships and peace.  In a world where you can often be faced with negativity, maintaining kindness proves that you hold steadfast in your values and have the strength to pursue what you believe in, no matter the circumstances. Emotional intelligence, self-control, awareness, standing up for what is right even when it's hard, this is what we mean when we say strength.

And while most of us may not make a global impact with our efforts to explore strength through compassion like Thich Nhat Hanh, we can certainly make a difference in our own lives. We may remember who won the Super Bowl last year, or what the song of the summer was in high school, but those lasting impressions…the teachers who believed in us before anyone else, or told us we could do more, the grocery store clerk who always makes sure to bag our bread and eggs together so neither get crushed, the parent who finds time in their day to learn a new skill, just so they can be closer to their child. These things are often quiet and don’t ask for attention, and that is the whole point.

In returning to the phrase "there is strength in your softness”, we can look at it as a way of acknowledging that gentleness and compassion, often seen as weaker qualities, carry immense power. Being receptive, empathetic, and sensitive are characteristics that allow individuals to connect deeply with others, understand different perspectives, and build strong, meaningful relationships. Strength transcends physical and mental boundaries, defies ego and insecurity, and allows understanding to be an active process. It takes resilience and courage to remain open and kind in a world that can often be challenging, but the ability to do so is far more rewarding if you try.